Mary Anning

Happy Birthday, Mary Anning! To celebrate, here's a song by Artichoke about the renowned Lyme Regis fossilist.

Superheroes of science - 14th March

Musicians from the Intercontinental Music Lab invite you to hear scientists from the past sing about their discoveries and passion for science in this light-hearted family friendly and interactive concert. This musical extravaganza also features live demonstrations and plenty of audience participation, along with a few other surprises! Songs from the album ‘Superheroes of Science’ which are featured in the performance can be downloaded for free here.

Saturday 14th March
Babbage Lecture Theatre, Cambridge
4-5pm

Free; no booking required.

The Scientific Simpleton; Or, An Insane Inventor's Ingenious Inventory Investigated.

1

A scientific simpleton who struggled fame to gain,
Was driven nearly crazy from invention on the brain,
He dabbled in mechanics, electricity of course,
And mastered all the mysteries of centrifugal force,
He took out patents every day, he’d always something new,
He vowed that he before he died some clever thing would do,
With his inventions (if they’d but succeeded,) you would say,
He would have made the mighty world roll round the other way.

(Chorus.)
Invention was his ruin, if you’ll listen unto me,
I’ll shew this scientific simplteton’s simplicitee
The catalogue is categorical as you can see,
Of this inventor’s most ingenious inventoree

2

He made, to show what man can do if he will persevere,
An eight-day clock that only wanted winding once a year,
An automatic German band that always played in tune,
A specially constructed gun, with which to shoot the moon;
A lift for raising Capital, worked by electric spark,
A pump for pumping secrets out of those who’d keep them dark,
A triple-barrelled telescope with which a man could see,
With half an eye what sort of day next Wednesday week would be.
(Chorus as before.)

3

He made a patent mousetrap next, you’ll say he was a flat,
Instead of mice it always caught he favorite tabby cat,
A spirit bottle stopper on the tipplers rather rough,
It stopped them having any more when they had drank [sic] enough;
A patent ten-ton nut-cracker that could’nt [sic] crack a joke,
Some onion seed, he made, when sown, it came up artichoke,
A patent penknife extra sharp to cut his corns in bed,
So extra sharp and patent it cut off his toe instead.
(Chorus as before.)

4

An old umbrella next he made you’ll think it very strange,
When left behind you found you’d got a new one in exchange,
And then a patent safety match for striking on the wall,
It was indeed so very safe ‘twould not ignite at all;
He made and he invented such a lot of things for pelf,
That finally he made a precious noodle of himself,
He made a patent pill to give you everlasting life,
He took one dose, and now his charming widow is my wife.


Written by J. F. McArdle and Frank Amos. Composed by Vincent Davies. London: Francis Brothers and Day, 351, Oxford Street. W.

The Scientific Man; or Mrs Crucible's Lamentations. By Robert More.

Playfully

Ah! science is a lovely thing,
and shines serenely bright,
At least so many poets sing,
And they of course are right,
And yet I would not recommend
My cousin Jane or Fan
To wed that very pleasant friend
A Scientific Man.

When Crucible my heart and hand
First sought with pensive looks
I fondly strove to understand
His philosophic books;
All frivolous pursuits above,
My studies I began,
And thought it very grand to love
A Scientific Man.

3 Ah! woe is me! In luckless hour
Our cards were tied together
And Mr. Crucible and I
Were bound by Hymen’s tether;
How could that philosophic lore
My foolish heart trepan
To marry that domestic bore
A Scientific Man!

4 The honeymoon was scarcely past
When all my fairy dreams
Fled like dissolving views at last,
And stopt my learned themes;
Too late I found that sciences
We must not closely scan,
And that a bad alliance is
A Scientific Man!

5 From morn ‘till night my husband sits
As post or statue mute,
Quite lost in dull abstracted fits
About some wild pursuit;
With every new invention caught,
Or wonder working plan
That’s never perfect – yet he’s thought
A Scientific Man!

6 His nights on chemistry are spent,
Or mathematic lore,
And sometimes on the stars intent
He walks the attic floor;
I know he’ll blow us up some night,
So sleep I rarely can,
But wait, half dead with cold and fright,
A Scientific Man!

7 The house which I should like to keep
Extremely neat and clean,
In vain the servants scour and sweep –
It’s such an awful scene;
Each room is like a chemist’s shop,
Or jugglers caravan;
No argument will ever stop
A Scientific Man!

8 The electrotype with jars and bowls
Makes such a dreadful mess:
That nasty blue stuff made such holes
In my new satin dress.
The tables, chairs, and carpets too
Were burnt where e’er it ran
Ah me! I’m sure Job never knew
A Scientific Man!


ENCORE VERSES

1. A thousand foolish whirligigs
About the house are whizzing,
And little figures dancing jigs,
Keep up an endless phizzing,
Moved by Magnetic batteries –
Would they were in Chusan!
My husband’s crack’s no matter he’s
A Scientific Man!

2. I really thought the other day
He’d killed poor Grand-Mama,
Her dear old hands she chanced to lay
Upon a Leyden jar
Left charged with Electricity
By that wild Caliban
And pink of eccentricity
A Scientific Man!

3. The children too, poor little dears,
Do get such thumps and shocks!
And that steam engine I’ve my fears
Some day will catch their frocks:
Each hour they taste some pois’nous Vase,
Or tumble in some pan
Of Aquafortis – their Papa’s
A Scientific Man!

4. But hark! Oh, what a dreadful crash!
I’m sure there’s some disaster –
Here Kitty! – Jane! – another smash!
Pray run and help your Master; -
Some boiler or retort has burst,
And Crucy’s earthly span
Cut short – I dreaded from the first
A Scientific Man!

[1843]